some that i have learned this weekend:
~i need to have more tact
~second to that, i need to have more grace towards people
~sleeping with the fan on = poor choice
~never, ever lose a spider that you are trying to kill. it will haunt you.
when all is said and done...i realized that i need to love the Lord even more, myself less, and that I have to stop caring so much what people think of me.
good night.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
i'm a people person.
I hate being alone. I love hanging out, going on adventures, turning up the music and having dance parties on the sides of roads with friends. That's what I love.
Today, I invited some friends to come to the park for a picnic (BYOF, of course, because I'm poor...ok, I'm not poor, I'm sitting in starbucks with a PSL and typing on my MacBook Pro. I am NOT poor...but I can't buy you lunch today). And by some friends I mean...about 15 people. Because we all know that you can safely divide by 3 the number of texts you send out to figure out how many responses you'll get, and then divide that number by 2 and you get the amount of people who will actually show.
Well, I got 4 responses, and 3 of them were "no." I then realized I had to stay at work longer, so...picnic canceled. Boo.
Instead of picnicking with my pals, which I was excited for, I ended up spending my lunch hour sitting on a swing at Lemon Park, listening to Shane & Shane, and pondering over why I felt so....unpopular.
My friends didn't say no because they hate me. They didn't say no because they don't want to be my friends (unless...well...they just haven't told me yet?). They have lives. They have school. They have goals in life that they are trying to achieve. I, however, have worked 40 hours a week for the last 4 1/2 years since graduating high school. I have started and stopped and re-started going to college countless times, but never have stuck it out because of...work. And so today I realized how much I am not living the life that I could be, because of my fear of the unknown.
I don't quit my job because I'm afraid of my father being disappointed with me (he's my boss). I'm also afraid of the fact that I will never be able to make this much money this easily again if I leave. I know that it's only money, and I have seen God do some amazing things and provide for me and for my friends when the going gets tough financially...but I'm still afraid. Will it be irresponsible to quit and go back to school? Will I just flake out of school like I have countless times before? I hope not. I'm praying through a lot, and figuring out exactly where my priorities are. Waiting for a shove in the right direction.
Today, I invited some friends to come to the park for a picnic (BYOF, of course, because I'm poor...ok, I'm not poor, I'm sitting in starbucks with a PSL and typing on my MacBook Pro. I am NOT poor...but I can't buy you lunch today). And by some friends I mean...about 15 people. Because we all know that you can safely divide by 3 the number of texts you send out to figure out how many responses you'll get, and then divide that number by 2 and you get the amount of people who will actually show.
Well, I got 4 responses, and 3 of them were "no." I then realized I had to stay at work longer, so...picnic canceled. Boo.
Instead of picnicking with my pals, which I was excited for, I ended up spending my lunch hour sitting on a swing at Lemon Park, listening to Shane & Shane, and pondering over why I felt so....unpopular.
My friends didn't say no because they hate me. They didn't say no because they don't want to be my friends (unless...well...they just haven't told me yet?). They have lives. They have school. They have goals in life that they are trying to achieve. I, however, have worked 40 hours a week for the last 4 1/2 years since graduating high school. I have started and stopped and re-started going to college countless times, but never have stuck it out because of...work. And so today I realized how much I am not living the life that I could be, because of my fear of the unknown.
I don't quit my job because I'm afraid of my father being disappointed with me (he's my boss). I'm also afraid of the fact that I will never be able to make this much money this easily again if I leave. I know that it's only money, and I have seen God do some amazing things and provide for me and for my friends when the going gets tough financially...but I'm still afraid. Will it be irresponsible to quit and go back to school? Will I just flake out of school like I have countless times before? I hope not. I'm praying through a lot, and figuring out exactly where my priorities are. Waiting for a shove in the right direction.
Monday, October 5, 2009
fall
i dont know what it is about this season that evokes such warm, gushy feelings inside of me. that sounds weird. what i mean is, there is a physical feeling that happens when the season changes from summer to fall. normally you can't really tell the difference down here in sunny SoCal, but this year is turning out to be a good one for the frosty fall mornings. it inspires me to drink carmel apple ciders and and pumpkin spice chai lattes. and to open the windows and bundle up under a bunch of blankets at night. i love love LOVE it.
on the other side of things, though, along with the feeling of warm fuzzies that i associate with scarves, beanies and baggy sweaters comes the feeling of discontentment.
discontentment with where i am, my job, my general day-to-day life. it makes it hard to sit inside of a cubicle all day, and i feel like i'm making very little progress in what God is calling me to do. which seems to be, at the moment, is to sit and wait on him. which i will do, and Lord willing, do it joyfully.
so, here i sit, waiting, with a feeling of excited trepidation that is holding hands with a churning in my stomach that i can't explain. all i can think is, God is going to do something big. and I hope i'm there when it happens.
on the other side of things, though, along with the feeling of warm fuzzies that i associate with scarves, beanies and baggy sweaters comes the feeling of discontentment.
discontentment with where i am, my job, my general day-to-day life. it makes it hard to sit inside of a cubicle all day, and i feel like i'm making very little progress in what God is calling me to do. which seems to be, at the moment, is to sit and wait on him. which i will do, and Lord willing, do it joyfully.
so, here i sit, waiting, with a feeling of excited trepidation that is holding hands with a churning in my stomach that i can't explain. all i can think is, God is going to do something big. and I hope i'm there when it happens.
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